My husband had a stroke. And it’s a bad one.

It’s taken me a week to write a blog post about this. It’s something very hard to come to terms with, but I’m getting there. My husband is in ICU, attached to a ventilator. He had a stroke last Saturday. And because of that, everything is different.

Last Friday everything was so normal. I did the grocery shop. Nicky had a playdate and I had a meeting. Brett walked through the door at around five like he normally does. I was making double batches of food because I was about to go away and wanted to leave stuff in the freezer for him. Chicken and rice with apricots. The stove was giving us problems and Brett phoned his father for advice. The warmer drawer light was flickering so he took the fuse out for that and lo and behold the thing worked. Thank goodness.

Nicky took quite a while to go to bed and I was exhausted myself but I did spend time with Brett that night before passing out.

I remember waking up at about 12:45 (the time on the electronic clock) and he went to the toilet, stumbling over all my bags packed for my trip. He seemed a bit dizzy but he lay down and started snoring loudly. I was so annoyed with the noise I decided to go sleep somewhere else. It sometimes happens.

Nicky woke up at about five. We were giggling in his bed together at Dad’s loud snoring, but we didn’t think anything of it. He wanted to play X Box and I was yelling for Brett to come and help but there was no response. Honestly it didn’t bother me. I am very used to him sleeping in and sleeping soundly. I made breakfast (including his) and started packing the last of my things.

My flight was at 11:55 so I had to get the Uber around 9. At around 8 I started thinking, something is not right here. I shook him a bit and no response. I was thinking a bit about things and wasn’t so sure. I touched his head and he touched his head with his hand and it looked to me like he was just going back to sleep, like he was irritated with me. Later I realised he was only moving his left arm and not the right.

I think it was around 8:30ish that I phoned my mom and told her I could not wake Brett up. We were thinking it might be a diabetic coma (since he is diabetic) so I put a chocolate in his mouth. I also put sugar under his tongue. I feel like he responded a bit but kept lying there with his eyes closed. I wanted to figure out how to operate that blood tester but I just couldn’t. I must have struggled with it for quite a while.

The other thing I was thinking: maybe it was an epileptic fit (since he has epilepsy) but the kind of fits he has are petit mal, in other words, he blanks out for a bit or repeats himself, or talks rubbish, but certainly doesn’t lie there like that.

Why isn’t he waking up?

Nothing made sense to me and I just did not know what to do.

So I called an ambulance.  (I also phoned the airline. But since I had no clue what was going on I was trying to change flights, although to when I did not know, but they said they would refund at least some with proof of hospital admission).

The ambulance arrived. I had to put Coffee (our barking dog) in another room. Poor Nicky was drifting around during all of this, I remember calling out to him “Nicky, where are you, are you ok?” while the paramedics did their thing.

The guys from the ambulance had their own tester and they took a reading of his blood sugar which was 20. Not good. But the real awful thing was one of them lifting up his eyelids, looking in his eyes and saying with certainty:

“He’s had a stroke.”

Now I’m not exactly clued up on what that meant, but it sounded scary.

They managed to get their stretcher into the kitchen but not to the bedroom. They lifted him in his duvet round the corner to place him there. And from there to the ambulance where they were trying to get him some air, because apparently he was struggling to breathe. (Was this the snoring? I guess I will never know….)

They took my details and gave me the option of coming with in the ambulance or driving in my car. I decided to take the car as I had Nicky as well and I wanted to put him in the car seat. At the same time I was messaging my friend Mary Louise, who has helped me when Brett was in the hospital before, that I might need some babysitting. I also told Brett’s sister in East London, who is a good person to tell things as she disperses info to the family.

So they left, I got Coffee out the house, locked up and left.

We went to the Emergency room. The ambulance was still outside. I handed in my info. They spent a long time with Brett trying to intubate him. I think the amubulance paramedics and casualty staff were all working on it together.

I was sitting there with Nicky. I did bring some toys for him. He was rolling his cars everywhere. Someone came up to me and told me that they would help me after they had dealt with an emergency. I worked out that Brett was the emergency and they thought I was there for Nicky.

Someone called me but it was for the wrong person.

As I walked back I saw a crowd around Brett’s bed but I couldn’t see much about what they were doing. I went back to sit down.

A doctor called me aside and told me they think it is a stroke. From what they can see his right side is paralysed. But they needed to do a scan to confirm.

Eventually they told us that they were going to take him for a scan and would we like to come with? This we did. Nicky was skipping excitedly next to dad as they wheeled the bed along. They went down the elevator and we took the stairs.

Brett has been in hospital before but last time it wasn’t so serious. He had a blockage and he was conscious. They flushed out the problem and he was out within 10 days. So I think Nicky thought that it was like that.

So after that they told me it is definitely a stroke – but no details yet.

The rest of the day is a bit fuzzy but I know that they told us to go have lunch at the coffee shop. I ordered food, Nicky played with his cars all over the floor (it’s a wonder the waiters did not trip over them) and I just sat there and cried. I have no idea what they thought of me.  Maybe they are used to people receiving bad news. I landed up having quite a few cups of tea to calm down. Nicky gave me lots of hugs too, bless him.

He also did go for another scan. I think that day he had both CAT and then MRI scan.

Then they said they were going to take him to ICU.

Now I have a problem as they wheeled the bed in. I am with a child, and he can’t go in. So I just sat down in the waiting room.

Eventually I got up (this was about 4pm) and went in with him and asked about Brett. A nurse offered to look after Nicky while I went in. She asked me some questions and filled in a form.

I basically told her it’s late now, I have to go home, because of Nicky, can they not phone me with the scan results? So they agreed to that.

The doctor who phoned me later said permanent paralysis on the right side. Horrible news. And it wasn’t even the whole story, as I would find out later.

Two of Brett’s work colleagues drove me for visiting hours that night. Mary looked after Nicky. They were so kind.

A pretty awful night. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I did not even want to acknowledge what was happening. I just unpacked my stuff and went to bed. Sleep for me is an escape. But I needed to do that.

The next morning I was more brave. I knew I needed to face up to it. I sat there and worked out the tab (my groceries for the month) and opened Brett’s computer. I figured out how to get into his spreadsheet and his passwords. I even managed to get into his bank and transfer the grocery money. I even managed to get the X Box working to keep Nicky busy. And I put it on Facebook. And then everyone knew. Whether I wanted them to or not.

So I dropped Nicky off at Mary’s and went to the hospital again. And the neurosurgeon was there and told me that there is brain stem damage. That is very serious because that controls breathing and other essential functions. Which was why he needed a ventilator. He also said that movement and balance were affected but that was not so serious. I later learnt that the occipital brain function was damaged too, which was why he couldn’t see.

Someone who really blew me away was Nicky’s teacher. She arrived at the hospital right then and there! She has also had her health challenges and her husband had a heart attack last year so I guess she is used to hospitals. She was an angel who organised a whole load of food to fill my fridge and freezer.

Which was a good thing as the family started arriving. First my mom. Boy was I glad to see her. Everything just was more manageable after she came. Doctor language interpreter (because she is a doctor) and babysitter right there.

I had been phoning Brett’s family throughout this and then his parents and brother came on Monday. His one sister came on Tuesday and then the other on Wednesday. The brother stayed a day and the sisters left on Friday. But it really helped to have them. To not feel so alone in all of this. And that was really why Saturday was so hard. Events like this are just plain awful, but so much worse without your family.

Inbetween all of this I have been trying to understand what a stroke is, and what is going on in Brett’s brain.

“A stroke occurs when the supply of blood to the brain is either interrupted or reduced. When this happens, the brain does not get enough oxygen or nutrients, and brain cells start to die.” From Medical News Today. 

It is an ischemic stroke. Which means the arteries are blocked. Now with a big artery you can cut it open and get the clot out, but not in these narrow arteries in the brain.

What’s happening with Brett is that he has tiny little blood clots that are blocking the affected areas of the brain. They are multiple septic emboli which have to be left (while they do treat with blood thinners to make sure they don’t get worse, but they can’t undo the damage that is done).

What they did do on Thursday is drill a hole to reduce pressure on the brain and there is now fluid (and some blood) coming out of that. So they can also analyse that and give the appropriate antibiotic to help deal with the septic emboli.

We have been seeing doctors this week who told us that there are the main problems now.

pancreatitis – being treated

renal failure – getting dialysis

high cholesterol and fats in the blood – getting meds

brain damage – affected areas are: cerebellum (controls balance and movement), occipital lobe (vision), and brainstem (controls breathing, heartbeat, vital organs) His movements are inappropriate and his pupils are dilated with poor light response.

 

Regarding movement, we have been seeing movement when he shakes his body, moving his legs, arching his back. So we got quite excited about it, but were a bit squashed by the doctor who said it’s not what he is looking for. He says for instance that when he pinches Brett’s arm it should go inwards but it’s going outwards. We are noticing that he doesn’t like to be touched and is reacting to people poking him, (eg when having a bath, taking his temp, or when we push his feet) which is good to me. I’m pretty sure he is gatvol with all of this.

I do notice that there is a subtle change in him when we are there and talking to him. Changing in breathing or the way he turns his head. The last two nights I have been reading to him. Takes me back to my dad when I read the newspaper to him in ICU. Strange how life repeats itself.

But I talk to him seriously and tell him everything that’s going on. I think it’s important, as another person I spoke to this week who has had a stroke before said you can hear everything. And I’m pretty sure he can.

I just wonder what he’s thinking lying there when he can’t talk back.

Poor Nicky has been shunted around on all these hospital trips and inbetween dropped off at playdates, or my mom looks after him. He doesn’t like me going out at night and he’s sick of me going to the hospital. Towards the end of the week he was really melting down. We’ve tried to explain as much as possible to him about what is going on with dad. We pray at night for a certain number of angels around his bed. But how do you tell your child that’s it’s not a simple prayer of “please make dad better” ? Although that is what he prays.

I think it’s more a case of asking for divine guidance to stay the course through a very hard journey. Strength for the road ahead. A very unknown path. A waiting game. Because we just don’t know what is going to happen.

Some things I have already learnt this week

1. How much I miss Brett. In a million different ways. The way he makes me laugh. The way he plays games with Nicky. The way he helps me with all things technical. I have no idea how to operate all the gaming that Nicky wants to do (but I am learning) and I don’t know how to work the TVs either.
2. Regrets about not being prepared. Things like gap cover, even though at least we have medical aid. Thank God. Things like a will and life insurance (although Brett did try and get it he was unsuccessful because of his health issues). I also don’t know where he’s put things. Like important books or keys to the safe.
3. How everyone is fighting their own battle and how many other stories are out there. Your heart will break hanging around the visitors to ICU. A mom who has been there a month after birth, separated from her baby. A husband who has been in there more than six months, with a three year old running around (whom Nicky played with). Heart attacks. Gall bladders. All the different organs. No one is immune when tragedy strikes.
4. How amazing people have been, helping us. Opening their homes to visitors. Filling my fridge with food. I am overwhelmed and grateful in the midst of this hard time.

I have to believe that there is a reason I was still in Joburg when this happened. That somehow there’s something here that we as a family have to go through and learn from.

But I do wish he was here in my bed, rather than in a hospital, lying there….

 

Related Posts via Categories

• Our trip to the USA
• My father’s court case finally over
• Nicky’s mini athletics day
• Grandpa’s 80th birthday celebration
• Nicky can ride a bike!
• End of year 2018
• Grief and Guilt
• Eulogy for Brett Step
• A One Sided Conversation – Or is it?
• Two Months on in Hospital

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