Hello bleeps.
According to Wikipedia: Survivor, survivor’s, or survivor’s guilt or syndrome is a mental condition that occurs when a person perceives themselves to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not. It may be found among survivors of combat, natural disasters, epidemics, among the friends and family of those who have committed suicide, and in non-mortal situations such as among those whose colleagues are laid off.
I have been thinking for quite a while about writing something on this. The transition I have undergone from infertile to pregnant. I haven’t stopped feeling the same feelings I’ve had through infertility (and I don’t expect them to ever go away) but there is a part of me that feels just plain awful for those that do not have my success right now. And there is another part of me that is just plain happy and grateful. I sway between these states and acknowledge the validity of both feelings, until I find my happy medium. The place where I acknowledge my hard won pregnancy while still having compassion for those who are still working towards it.
The truth is – I am done with suffering.
I have been through enough years of disappointments and enough is enough. I am just so glad to get to this place the joy is just radiating from me. It has been such a long hard road I feel entitled to some happiness.
This is my moment, dammit. So why can’t I fully appreciate it?
Because four people have hit the unsubscribe link since I announced my pregnancy. I can totally understand how my gushing over my baby bag goodies would make an infertile want to puke. I would probably do the same. And I feel for them.
Because I still read infertility blogs of people still struggling. And some of them even share how tough it is when infertiles find a way to get that baby, and they are left behind. Keiko wrote a post on this.
Because there is a part of me that really wants to help the infertility community. And how can I truly do that when I’m not where they are?
So how does one balance the joy of finally making it to pregnancy, and sharing that experience while still appreciating the people who just are not there yet? Or maybe never will be?
The answer, as Mel so aptly put it this week, is complicated. But I have to hand it to Mel, especially after learning that she only started blogging after her twins were born. She really has brought the infertility community together, and seems to have well achieved that balance of writing both about her children as well as infertility issues.
Lots of other IF bloggers have written about this topic.
In this excellent in-depth article, Iris Waichler, author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster, talks about parenting after infertility groups that she has run, and how this guilt has been a reoccurring theme. Her hopeful conclusion: “I believe room can be made to experience the joy of conquering infertility and simultaneously sharing feelings of encouragement and compassion with those you know who are still trying.”
Jay Bronte writes that she actually feels like an “infertility traitor”. But nevertheless “If I could, I’d wave a magic fertility wand and make all the women I’ve leaned on during these last two and a half years pregnant. Anyone who has gone through this hellish, frustrating, illogical journey deserves what they want at the end of it. Sadly, this wand doesn’t exist. The only thing I can do now is offer them all of my support and hope that they continue to support me.”
Baby steps to motherhood feels let down by bloggers when she does write positively: “I feel that I have lost readers because I am no longer drowning. I feel as if I have survived the torture and no one wants to hear about how happy I am while I still fight this battle. I think this community of bloggers is amazing – the support is unparalleled, but it also seems to be click-ish and it makes me sad and feel like I am back in high school. I feel like if I don’t write about how painful infertility is, I won’t get any readers or comments. I see other bloggers comments rise when they pour their hearts out about their darkness, but when I share that “I’ve seen the light,” my blog goes dead. Am I an outcast…again?”
The infertile nanny writes, while she does feel a lot of guilt, “I know how painful it was for you to see/hear about some one’s pregnancy when they didn’t even have to try but don’t you remember how much hope it gave you to hear about someone who succeeded after years and years of trying….I could not be more thrilled about my baby because this is what I have literally spent sweat, blood, and tears to achieve. If you are still struggling hang in there….there is hope, just take a look at me.”
Randy and Ashley talks about that universal hatred she had for pregnant women and how she still doesn’t feel like one of them. “I still have the guilt that I made it out at least once. Am I crazy? Or is this normal in the infertility world?”
Peanut’s journey (a South African blogger like me) puts it very well when she says: “I have tried long and hard to have what we have now, many many tears were cried over this, I have supported many many people thru their pregnancies and/or birth of their babies. Do I stop this blog now that I am pregnant in fear of upsetting people with my joy? Do I keep my pregnancy to myself and not make a big thing about it ….How does this all work? It’s all new.”
It IS new ground, and for me, it is exciting territory. I will hold onto this joy with all my might and pray that it will last.
Do I change this blog? Does it no longer serve an infertile to be blogging about infertility when you’re no longer really there?
The answer for me is – I was there. And part of me remains there. And I will never stop feeling compassion for those still going through it.
If my joy and all my pregnancy posts make you feel uncomfortable, I am truly sorry. You can hit the unsubscribe link.
But I want to tell you something important.
There is a connection between your ability to feel joy at another’s successful pregnancy (or adoption) (even though you have not achieved it yet) and your own vibration which will open you up for the same success.
I had such a heart-warming comment from Elisabeth Manning (of conscious connections) on my circle bloom story (if you haven’t yet made a comment there, please do – I need 20 odd more before the end of December to win! Impossible I know, but I can dream!)
“I knew it was a matter of time before your body energy shifted- your baby was there waiting for you to become who you are now, through all your beautiful growth. …Truly powerful journey of transformation. When we shift our environment inside and out to a more thriving, life supporting and life enhancing one, life cannot *help* but expand within us. Creations flow. Congratulations again and thank you for being a wonderful example of one who is “Living her YES”.
I hate to say it, folks, but part of opening myself up to new life was being happy for others when their baby dreams came true. (And I think it is important as well for the duration of your pregnancy to be in a good place too – from everything I’ve read it does have an effect on the baby.)
It is pretty much a litmus test of where you are emotionally to see how you react to news of someone’s pregnancy, or you see a pregnant woman, or you see a baby… etc… etc…
If I was in a good place I would be happy for the person concerned, and look happily upon mother and baby. If I wasn’t, I avoided their eyes and kept to myself.
So keeping open and positive is part of the process towards drawing us closer to success, although it is hard on some days.
And on those hard days, I know I could take a deep breath and pray for the energy to be happy for another person. I could EFT tap and say: “Even though I am so freeking jealous of that pregnant woman right now, I deeply and completely love and accept myself and my negative feelings, because of what I have been through. Despite (or maybe because) or all this, I’m absolutely choosing to be happy for her, because I know that the joyful vibration will rub off not only on her, but also on me.”
I’m not saying that positive thinking (or even EFT on its own) was enough to create my baby. I needed Dr R and Medfem’s expertise for that.
But it certainly helped. And I know it can help you too.
Two bits of news to stick on the end here, although it doesn’t have much to do with this…
1) My article on taking the emotional charge out of nightmares using EFT was published in Exhale Magazine: A Literary magazine for those who have experienced the loss of a baby or can’t figure out how to make one in the first place. I have a good script here for dealing with disturbing dreams. Have a read if you are interested.
2) I’m looking for five guinea pigs to test drive my EFT Tapping into Motherhood creation. You can have a look here and let me know if you are interested. I need people who are willing to listen to my 8 audios and in return give me some reviews. Even if you are pregnant already, there is a section on future fears etc. which you will find helpful. Please leave a comment below and I will get back to you on this.
So well written, and thanks for putting all of those posts in one place.
I’ve been struggling with the same thing. I’ve noticed my subscriber base go down as I get further along and it makes me sad. I know it’s hard for some people, but I just wish it wasn’t so darn complicated. I plan to blog about this soon myself.
Thanks Mo. It is complicated, but just think: the ones that stay are the real keepers: the ones that are interested in YOU and not whether or not you are pregnant. I look forward to your take on this.
I wanted to say that I think the most important thing to someone that has gotten pg is that they do still keeping thinking about us and hoping that we get to move over to the other side too. You just posting this makes a difference.
I also think IF probably does stay with you, baby or not. Like for me now, seeing all the Christmas cards come…..all I keep thinking is jeez, all our friends are going to have teenagers if we have a baby now. Nobody will be with us at the same place with their baby if we ever get pg. And I know that if we ever have a baby and my sister doesn’t, then that is forever going to be there. There is no way that I’ll ever get over that guilt.
I’ll be honest and say that I tried to unsubscribe too but blogger boggles my mind and I can’t figure out how to do it! I guess maybe the problem with staying subscribed and not is that you follow blogs that you follow for a reason and following mommy blogs or pregnancy blogs is a lot different than following infertility blogs. I follow some adoption blogs too and I guess once the wait ends the blogs tend to stay about adoption rather than everyday being a mom. I think also the problem is the lack of personal connection. I’ve stayed with my personal friends once they have gotten pg and had their babies but their blogs weren’t necessarily infertility related from the beginning. I know their babies and they know me so it is a little different. But in a year if you post about first food or diapers or sleep problems how will I feel connected to that as someone going through IVF? (well, maybe the sleep problems…but for some reason I guess having a kid keeping you up and not being able to sleep because you are worried to death are a bit different.) Have other new moms kept their IF blogs for IF thoughts (because I doubt they will ever end) and linked into new blogs about motherhood? Anyway, I guess you just have to figure that as life goes on people come and go. One day you’ll have other followers that have other kids and you won’t be looking at IF blogs thinking about beta tests and progesterone levels—
Thanks Colleen for your nice long comment. 🙂 My friends also have like 7 year old kids now… not much I can do about that..
I did google how to unsubscribe using blogger and I came up with this http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/57147946.aspx not sure if it will help! I am not very good with these kinds of technicalities. I also checked on my side “manage subscriptions” and I didn’t see your email address there (did you use another one?) unless it is somewhere else and I can’t find it!! Sorry…
I agree that the personal connection overrides whatever else. I will try and blog about lots of different stuff, but the pregnancy is a big deal to me now so it will be coming up.
Well, I sure hope you get pregnant too soon 🙂 Then you can join me in these dilemmas… 🙂
I think that you are amazing for just feeling/thinking/saying all of those things. You are not a traitor to the cause, you are a fighter for it! xo
I enjoyed reading your perspective. But I have to say that just because an initial reaction to someones pregnancy announcement is sorrowful, does not mean someone is in a bad place emotionally. In fact, it show they are very much in touch with their own experience of loss, fear, seeming injustice etc. I think many infertile woman can reach a place of genuine joy for friends who get pregnant, but I believe it is unrealistic to say that this happiness should come naturally and instantly if they are in a ‘good’ place. I have asked friends to tell me via email of pregnancies because then I could cry my tears and grieve my own loss and pain while being able to come to a place of celebration with them for when I next see them in person. I am emotionally stable and in a very content place but it still stings like nothing else when people announce impending babies.
My blog started as a narration of my life, connecting to family in friends across the world once I moved. It has become a discussion about recurrent miscarriage and loss, infertility and more recently adoption so I feel as though I have somewhat avoided one specific audience, but I am very aware that my blogging may evolve to discuss parenthood at some point and I will have to navigate sensitively through those waters when that time comes. Although adoption would solve our desire to be parents, it will never resolve our desire to be fertile.
Its all so complicated. I truly appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.
Thanks Chrissie. I think you are actually right. And you put it very well.
I think Mel hit the nail on the head when she said it was complicated. And so often, I think it has so little to do with you and everything to do with where people are at in their own journeys. I feel like I’m in a really great place with infertility right now, but still – I have a handful of people hidden on my Facebook feed SOLELY because I don’t want to see pictures of their kids. I can’t really explain it, or why I’m OK with some kids/pregnancies but not others – it just is what it is. And I know that I’ve got to do whatever I can to keep my head on straight. I think in reality, that’s all you can do too. Take care of you and do what you need to do to be happy in this – because you deserve that!
You put it very well. Thanks, SIF.
Before I got pregnant, I had my days of falling apart, depression and sadness. However, I never hated or envied another pregnant woman. I only hated myself. Questioning WHY ME? When I have realized that hate or envy isn’t going to take me anywhere, I started to embrace it. I knew strongly that my time has to come at some point. I didn’t lose my faith. I understood that by suffering and living through the pain I could only become stronger and more forgiving. I never unsuscribed or chose to ignore some else’s joy. By sharing their joy and happiness I became to love myself again. Yes, I have put my entirely life on hold just for the sake of getting pregnant, I didn’t go and see my family and friends for over 2 years but I knew deep inside that I was doing it for some reason. I told myself I will not return until I am with child.
I enjoy every day being pregnant. I will never forget tho’ what I went through to get here. This gift I carry inside is the most precious to me ever. <3
Good for you for having a good attitude in this process. And I agree it is the most precious gift.
We didn’t go home for 4 years – in a way, yes, maybe I was waiting to get pregnant, but also there was a problem about who was going to look after the dogs. By 2010 we decided to go home anyway and I’m glad we did. It was better for me in the end not to put my life on hold but keep hoping for that miracle which eventually came.
Thanks for your comment, Heatherss. (Coming back at you from “not so cold” Finland.)
Having just very recently gotten my BFP, I definitely have this survivor’s guilt right now. I’m not very far removed from the whole IF and what if this doesn’t work. I know it will take time, but I think I will be able to be happy for myself and still compassionate for others. (Like I’ve always tried to be, even if it isn’t so easy.)
Also, I haven’t had any followers unsubscribe yet, but I am sure it will happen. I will be sad, but I also know that everyone has to do what is best for themselves.
I really found this post so heartfelt and it totally sums up what so many of us feel – both those pregnant and those still trying. It is complicated and we all need to deal with it in our own way. I find that the blogs of those who have fallen pregnant after a long road, only serve as inspiration to me and so I don’t usually unsubscribe.
We must have written about this around the same time. It’s tricky but I do agree that you/we should enjoy were we are at and embrace it, not letting guilt and fear take over. And I do think that celebrate with someone who has what you don’t yet have is opening up for hope to be greater. But that is of course easier said now.. but no, I don’t think I would unsubscribe but do understand those who feel the need to at the moment. Great post!
This is a tough situation. The fact is that when you start blogging in a particular niche – in this case infertility – and then your life changes so that your content isn’t quite the same…well, it kind of makes sense that as your blog changes, your readership will also change. You’ll still keep some of your readers from before, but you’ll add new ones.
Personally, this IComLeavWe project is a bit harder for me than I thought it would be. I don’t blog much about infertility, nor do I read many infertility blogs, because I find that they make me sadder and more focused on my own loss. For the same reason, I don’t read a lot of blogs that are too pregnancy-focused. As a reader, I have to choose the blogs that help me on my life journey. As a blogger, you have to write the posts that help you on yours.
I think that your readership will organically change and grow. Don’t judge the strength of your blog on the number of comments. Judge it instead on how writing it makes you feel.
Thank you Just Heather, BW, Cattiz, Rachel and Stephanie for your heartfelt comments. Much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing. Lately I’ve been reading a lot of the blogs you mentioned and I see the tension in this “guilty” state that can exist. From the other side (as someone who is still infertile) I know it is hard sometimes to see that others have crossed the threshold, BUT this is what gives me the most hope! I don’t gain hope when other fertiles get pregnant. But when the infertiles get pregnant… it revives the hope in me.
wow this post was really touching, really hit the spot
Becoming pregnant doesn’t make you a traitor. It makes you a survivor.
Thanks for the wise words, ladies. 🙂
Hi from ICLW
Sheesh. You would think that the suffering about getting pregnant would end once you got pregnant, but now that you wrote about it, “survivors guilt” makes alot of sense. I think once you hit the infertility world you’re always bound to it somehow.
I agree with Chrissie 100%. In the “real world” when someone announces a pregnancy, I always feel sadness, jealousy, and even @times anger. Its never toward that person but rather for my own situation. But as soon as they start showing, or baby is born, I am so happy and excited. In the bloggy world, I cried when IVF cycles or what have you were unsuccessful. After those infertility blog friends became pregnant, I celebrated with them briefly but also stopped following closely. It wasn’t that I was upset, simply they are now on a different chapter of life and I cannot relate to them in the same way. I will ocassionally check back to see how big their little ones are 🙂 ICLW #12
Good comment. I think you are just protecting yourself, which is understandable.
Thanks for this post. I have felt the same way often, having that “survivers guilt” because I’ve crossed over to the other side. I can’t say anything that anybody else here hasn’t already said, but I will say that it’s a tough position to be in. Being pregnant after a miscarriage and after dealing with infertility, you are right in that it does feel like a clique sometimes. I have found it interesting that those that were so supportive of me when I was down in the dumps are no longer there to support me now through this time. But I have found an amazing group of women through twitter/blogs that are in the same place I am (we are) now … pregnant after infertility. I’m sorry that your readership has changed (mine has to) but hopefully you will transition into a new group of women who understand this chapter of your life!
All in all, I can relate 100% to how you are feeling right now. Excellent post.
I think I have also found similar people to me which is good. And I think you’re right about the changes – well I think they are good ones. 🙂