Review of the book: Nurture Shock.
Victoria Talwar taught us that a child’s dishonesty was a sign of intelligence and social savvy. Nancy Darling explained how teen’s deception was almost a necessary part of developing one’s adolescent identity. Laurie Kramer’s research showed us how blind devotion to fairness can derail sibling relationships. Patricia Hawley and Antonius Cillessen revealed how empathy may be evil’s best tool: the popular kids are the ones who are best at reading their friends – and using that perception for their gain. And of course, there was that study about imprisoned felons having higher emotional intelligence than the population as a whole.
Thus ends PAIL’s latest book club book, “Nurture Shock”. I do think this book was written with the desire to create a best seller, and serving up shocking statistics was an excellent way to court controversy.
One of the discussion questions worth reflecting on was: does research change your mind? I would hesitate at a cautionary yes. However, nothing trumps one’s own experience.
There were a lot of issues raised in this book, and I will mention a few of them.
Chapter 1: The Inverse Power of Praise:
I had to agree with this chapter. Handing out blanket praise all the time does not always have the desired effect. Praising effort, does. And the more specific you are, the better. I was taught this approach in a play therapy course. I also just know that being told “You’re doing great!” doesn’t really feel that great. “I can see you’re really trying,” is going to acknowledge the effort involved and encourage me to keep going.
Bronson and Merryman take it one step further and say that if you’ve been told your whole life that you’re a clever kid, this can be highly detrimental as you are less likely to make the effort required to go far in life. If you’ve been given specific encouragement for your hard work, however, you are much more motivated to continue on this good path.
Chapter 2: The Lost Hour:
It isn’t really a shock to me that one extra hour of sleep can make that much difference. The authors cite studies where starting school one hour later made a huge difference to a academic results. Lack of sleep was also linked to obesity.
Chapter 3: Why White Parents Don’t Talk About Race:
I was particularly interested in this chapter, as South Africa has massive problems in this area. Studies show parents battle to talk about this with their kids. However, kids can definitely distinguish between races, and it did shock me that they are developmentally prone to in-group favouritism.
What helped in this situation was to be placed in multicultural groups for activities and to be told explicit stories of injustice. I think a trip to the Apartheid Museum is going to do wonders for those born way after SA had racism so ingrained into our laws, and give understanding about how it still hangs around today.
Chapter 4: Why Kids Lie:
I was very interested in this. Long ago I read an article (unfortunately I can’t remember where) about how people lie to maintain a certain vibration. In the chapter on teens, lying comes up again. The number one reason teens lie is to not disappoint their parents. Maintaining the status quo?
I think, if we really want to grow in this area, we have to acknowledge how much we lie, ourselves. And it is with that sense of humility that we can see what is happening in those in our care.
Lying is related to the development of intelligence. Kids start lying to avoid punishment. By the time they get to school it becomes more complex and social. It is often a symptom of a bigger problem.
To cut down on lying, it is the parental response that can make all the difference. If you preface asking your child what is going on with: “If you promise to tell the truth, I will be OK and not upset,” you are more likely to get to the bottom of it. Also, the fable of ”The Boy who Cried Wolf” did not have as much impact as “George Washington and the Cherry Tree” because of the offer of immunity and praise for telling the truth. Kids need to be taught the worth of honesty just as much that lying is wrong.
I’m going to skip the chapters on Kindergarten (IQ tests are taken too early to predict future intelligence) Siblings (you will have more success with their fighting if the older sibling has practiced on a friend first) and Teens (fighting can be a positive) although there is a lot worth reading there.
Chapter 8: Can Self Control be Taught?
I found this chapter very interesting. I know that my mom used to frustrate my teachers by signing my homework diary weeks in advance. She trusted me to complete my homework, and I did. I still don’t really know why I had this intrinsic motivation or how to instill it in others.
Bronson and Merryman make reference to a very interesting program called “Tools of the Mind”. Here the children are tasked with having a “play plan”. If, for instance, they are learning about firemen this week, then all the teaching revolves around it. They have a time to play where the teacher facilitates but doesn’t influence their play. There is a full story going on with the house on fire, the call centre, the firehouse etc. The kids take turns on different days to take on different roles.
Other things they did was have a Clean Up Song. When it came to corrections, the area to be corrected would be identified, and then they had to figure out what was wrong. For handwriting there would be a song for them to help remember how a letter was to be written. Well tabulated letters were circled as good examples.
I like the idea of this facilitated play. However, and I’m sure other teachers will agree with me, we are already doing a lot of what is being suggested here. It was pretty common practice to incorporate the theme into all the other work for that week. I remember using the Letterland songs to help with writing letters. I would identify good handwriting and rub out the bad ones to be re-done.
Bronson and Merryman identify motivation as a key factor. This idea of being able to choose your own work is very Montessori. They talk about playing Simon Says as a good game to build concentration. I would argue that any activity (e.g. practical life – pouring water) can build concentration, and this is what the Montessori prepared environment sets out to do.
Chapter 9: Plays Well With Others:
It isn’t a surprise that violent TV begets violent behaviour. What is intriguing is that even Disney stories with their morals are ineffective because children remember the bad behaviour just as much as the good.
I worry a lot about TV as ours is on a lot. Nicky is turning his head towards it and I have to distract him with songs and games.
What was also interesting to me is that parents arguing can be more damaging if you leave the room in the middle. Modeling good resolution of your disagreements is what will help your child.
Bullies are often the popular kids. this is because aggression defies authority and increases their status. Bullies are also more socially competent in that they can read people better and use it for their negative advantage.
Chapter 10: Why Hannah Talks and Alyssa Doesn’t:
Again, the ineffectiveness of television is highlighted where those watching Baby Einstein proved to have worse vocabulary. Babies learn from humans, and the more professional, with longer, more complex, sentences, the more words they will learn.
Responsiveness isn’t just about building emotional trust, as I have said in other posts, it can even help your kid speak sooner. A study was done where if the mom responded within five seconds to the infant’s vocals, they could proceed as much as six months ahead of others. Apparently after all these cute vowels that Nicky is doing he will move onto consonants ( like da-da). We’ve noticed that his favourite word is “A-woo!”
They say not to stress about responding to it all the time, but have at least a bit of one on one time where you do encourage these early beginings of language.
That’s a relief because I have to say that I really am struggling to respond to his every cry. There are days (like today) where he will have very long naps (I’ve already done dinner and washed the dishes) and there will be other times when I can hardly go to the toilet without him kicking up a fuss. (Yes, he loves to kick as well!) Well, I am just doing what I can, but mostly just drinking him in, this bundle of joy I have been blessed with.
I am realizing more and more that it doesn’t matter how many books you read, it is just down to us in the end, and I hope that we do a good job.
You’re practising mindful mothering…. In the end they copy what you do, not what you say. So parents improve their own behaviour so as to set a good example. Maybe that’s why I feel so happy about the way you’re mothering? And the way Liz mothers.
Thanks, Mommy!
Sounds like an interesting book – you sure have been doing a lot of reading lately! I agree so much with your last line, “I am realizing more and more that it doesn’t matter how many books you read, it is just down to us in the end, and I hope that we do a good job.” I’m pretty sure you are doing an excellent job!
Thanks!
Very interesting book, I loved your summary of it!
I agree that a lot of the Tools of the Mind elements are being taught already. My son’s daycare has a theme for each week, and I think his previous preschool used a clean-up song. I think it is interesting how perceived negative behaviors such as lying and aggression are much more complex than that and actually indicate maturing mindsets. I think the book does a great job at pointing out that children and humans in general are much more complex than some of the parenting books would have us believe!