I knew I must read this book. Both Trisha and Belinda recommended it and now I understand why. Joan Didion lost her husband suddenly to a heart attack. She tracks the impact of grief through a year after this event and I find many things I am going through to be similar to her experiences. It’s good to have a label to them sometimes. She also distinguishes between grief (which can hit you at any time) to mourning (when you actually deal with it). Reading this book was something that helped me deal with the emotions I am going through.
I tried to read the book before soon after Brett died but I just could not. It was too close to home. I didn’t want to deal with it. But I took it on holiday with me in the hopes that rest and recuperation would help me face everything that was going on. And I managed to do that.
Here’s a list of what I find significant in her book that is also familiar ground to me.
-
Image: quickanddirtytips.com
The ordinary instant how everything was so normal and routine leading up to an event that was anything but. How Brett came home at the same time that afternoon. How I made supper. How we went to bed. All perfectly normal things but what happened next just wasn’t. Joan sat down to dinner and her husband had a heart attack.
- I knew that he was dead. The hospital staff phoned me as I was driving to the hospital to come quickly. I came as fast as I could but I still missed that moment. I knew but I didn’t want to know. The nurse, unwilling to tell me, told me just to go to his bed. The machines were flatlining but the ventilator was still going. He was already gone but they kept him breathing just for me. His body was still warm. Were we all just wanting to prolong life when he had already gone?
Waves/ vortex that grief makes itself known. You try and avoid that place that will remind you of special times but you can’t. The first few times going to Cresta was hard. Because we loved to walk around the mall. Those were our family times. It’s easier now. Nicky loves to look at the Toy Shop so I have come to associate it with his fun too, not just our family that was. But there are certain shops that remind me so much of him. He loved Dion Wired. I remember him spending a lot of time there getting a good deal on a hard drive. He loved book shops. The vortex is also about reliving all those mistakes. Reliving that night and that day over and over again. Thinking about how I could have done things differently.- Belief that he will return. This doesn’t make sense. Hence the title of her book being “magical thinking” – because you do think differently. It doesn’t make sense to put things back for him when he isn’t coming back. But I still find myself doing that with his wallet. His camera. His clothes. Although there has been huge progress here. I have taken the photos off his camera and taken the cards I need out of the wallet. But I’m still putting them back in the cupboard… I have put lots of his clothes in black bags over the weekend. That is also progress. Although I found personal items along the way that were so him and I will treasure them. Birthday cards. Letters. When Brett had his stroke I packed a bag for him, thinking he would come out of the hospital. That bag has remained packed until now. I’m finally getting rid of that stuff. I had even packed a chord and charger to charge his phone because he loved his phone so much. He never got to use that phone again.
- That vulnerable look. When grief hits you you feel very lost and helpless. I remember seeing this look in my previous boss’ face after she lost her father. This sense of vulnerability in the face of loss is something I am sharing with his family. We don’t have to say anything. We just share it.
-
Image: dragfepic.pw
Information is control. I remember when Brett was in hospital how I researched strokes like crazy. I wish I had known more beforehand, but it’s too late. Does information really help in times like this? I’m not sure. We always think we can control events by having it, but there are some things we just can’t control.
- Not significantly appreciating events. We didn’t seem to really appreciate all the lectures from the doctors over the years. Or they would be temporarily attended to with a brief diet, and then forgotten. Did we think we could avert death? Now I am recalling all sorts of things he said leading up to his stroke. “If something happens we are in sh*t” (looking at his bank balances) “Cathrin (his boss) hasn’t really prepared things if I get hit by a bus”.
Didion talks about how every event in the year brought on a comparison about what she was doing the previous year with her husband, which made it hard.
I know why we try to keep the dead alive: we try to keep them alive in order to keep them with us. I also know that if we are to live ourselves there comes a point at which we must relinquish the dead, let them go, keep them dead.
I wrote out my plan for the year in my diary: Nicky’s school terms and mine. And afterwards I just thought: I don’t really want to go into 2019 without him. All these plans mean nothing without him. I just want him back. I want to stay on holiday. To “stop the clocks”.
Image: jillianlorraine.com
There is a modern trend to hide your grief, to be commended for not lessening the joy of others. I don’t think Brett would want me to be stuck in the past, I know he would want me to move on. But I do believe that will happen at my own pace. I will move on when I am able.
Love your word. Thanks for sharing your story with us, Heather. You are grieving so gracefully. Am I allowed to say it? We know it can’t be easy. The photos by Rina are so beautiful. 🤗 Trust/Know that 2019 is going to be better!
Thank you Karen. You leave such lovely comments on my blog.