I’m jist a girl who cain’t say no,
I’m in a turrible fix
I always say “come on, le’s go”
Jist when I orta say nix!
This song, sung by the character Ado Annie Carnes in the musical Oklahoma, seems to capture how hard it is to say “No.” In this case, she has a problem saying no to men.
Well, I don’t exactly have that problem. But I have other problems.
I am a “people please-er”. I care about what others think. It bothers me if they get upset when I say no. I try to avoid conflict at all costs. I do hope I am getting better at saying no, but at the end of the day I am one of those “nice” people who smile and say yes, even though I really should be saying no.
Liesel Teversham is the author of “No Problem! The Upside of Saying No.” I first met Liesel at an EFT training course. The course was led by herself and Laurie, and you can read more about their EFT training academy here, which is based where I live, in Johannesburg, South Africa.
In any case, Liesel and Laurie have quite distinctive personalities, and I immediately picked up that Liesel has a similar personality to me. She is also so sweet, nice and willing to please. It should come as no surprise then, that saying no would be an issue for her, but she chose to deal with it in a very creative way by crafting an extensive self-help book on the subject.
Liesel starts her book off by examining why it is so hard to say no.
There are several false beliefs that support one continuing to say yes when we actually want to say no. Being liked is one (a big one for me). Not acknowledging your own needs is another (yip, me again). Avoiding conflict? (yes, that would be me).
Another reason it is so hard is that we tend to be driven by our subconscious as a reaction to life rather than a conscious creation of life. The subconscious is often programmed early in life.
The tool she uses to deal with this problem is EFT. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique, which is basically acupuncture without the needles. You tap on various points while saying affirmations. I’m not going to go into all the details of how it works, you can read a fuller explanation here.
The point is that saying no often invokes fear, and the negative reaction to fear (the flight/ flight/ freeze response) is initiated by the amygdala, a portion of your brain. EFT is especially suited to working with fear. Energy work can unblock the emotions and give you more choice. The key is to be very specific with the events behind your fears, and as you work with more and more of these kinds of fear inducing situations, you will find that you are able to cope better.
Liesel also lists some key factors that will make a difference in understanding why saying no is a problem.
I liked what she said about boundaries because I think having respect for yourself means that you will have limits on how much of yourself you will give. She shared a really memorable story about how a lady friend took advantage of her by rescheduling her tea on her birthday, shouted at her, and then continued with the tea date for three hours!
She also mentions the Enneagram (a system of personalities) which has taught me a lot about myself (I’m a Four) and highlights which personalities are more prone to this problem. (You can read an article I wrote on counselling a woman who was also a Four, using the Enneagram, here).
Liesel highlights the importance of childhood and past events with reference to Erikson’s stages of development. I studied these years ago during my Psychology degree, but of course it takes on a whole new meaning when I have a living toddler in front of me! Infants in the first year must learn to trust. Toddlers (2-3) are all about having control and independence. They are learning to think for themselves and discover what they need. This makes a lot of sense to me because Nicky really likes to be in control (e.g. reading a book: he must hold it), and gets very upset if you won’t let him do what he wants. This is where you really need to work on your re-directing skills! Preschool is all about “Why?” and finding purpose. School (6-11) is about creating initiative leading towards competence, learning skills of their culture. Adolescence is about finding your identity. If your developmental needs were not met during any of these stages, it definitely affects you. Being aware of where your problems lie gives you a starting point to tap on relevant issues.
If all of this is sounding like a tall order, it is rather reassuring to hear that change happens in small steps. Liesel breaks the action plan down into manageable chunks and provides tapping scripts to motivate you along the way.
On top of that she also gives ideas on what to say when you want to say no, and even how to say no when you’ve already said yes, again providing a relevant example.
All in all this is a valuable, jam packed, full of information self help book that will inspire and give you lots of ideas to think about.
I also liked this quote which comes from her book:
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” Bill Cosby.
If you’re visiting from Liesel’s book tour, welcome! Please have a look around my blog. If you’re interested in EFT, I have a whole lot of scripts for various issues in my shopping cart.
Liesel (B. Mus Hons) is the author of “No Problem: The Upside of Saying No“. It is a guidebook for those who are overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful and never have a moment for themselves.
Visit her book blog to check out the full schedule for the Virtual Book Tour at http://www.no-problem-book.com/index.php/book-tour, and receive a free 10 lesson e-Course to accompany the book, available on Amazon (see link at the top).
Liesel is a coach, trainer and speaker who help professional women to implement guilt-free self-care strategies in private sessions and groups.
I also have problems saying no to people, but I’ve never heard about the EFT. I’ll have to read more about it and give it a try.
Hello Asheritah,
Thank you for your comment! You’re in great company with finding it hard to say “no”. Even Cheryl Richardson has this issue! 🙂
EFT is a wonderful self-help stress-relief tool. Please ask if you have any questions about it. We can both point you in a good direction there. I use it every single day for anything that stressed me out. It’s so useful not to have to “stuff” my emotions anymore!
I sometimes need to say no more too, but usually I am the one taking on too much, without anyone asking me to do it! I’m glad you really enjoyed and learned from reading the book.
Hi Tammy!
That’s what I do so easily, too…. without anyone even asking, I’ve already volunteered. Boy, does that get me into trouble and exhaustion! So it’s almost a matter of us taking stock of what’s going on in our lives BEFORE we offer…. I have great difficulty not offering if I think anyone is in need of help. It’s a process! And if what we’re doing works for us, that’s okay!
Great to hear from you, thank you for your comment!
Warmly, Liesel
I think I need to read this book…I’m really bad about saying no:(
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for your comment – I can SO relate! I was terrible with it and got myself into trouble time and time again. The “trouble” for me was overwhelm, extreme anxiety, thinking I could please everyone and then not pleasing ANY one, exhaustion and resentment. Overall, not a great recipe for a happy life. I realised I needed to do something different to lead a life I really want to have. It’s still a process, I don’t get it right all the time, and yes – there’s marvelous progress, I’m happy to say!
Great to hear from you!
Warmly, Liesel
I just love EFT. So many practical and amazing uses.
Hello Missy,
So GREAT to hear from another EFT fan, and you’re right – it has infinite practical and amazing uses!
Thanks for your comment!
Warmly,
Liesel
I am a big people pleaser. Since having my boys though I have been finding it easier to say no because my yes’s affect them as well as myself.
I haven’t heard of EFT before, I’ll have to go look into it.
Hello Rebekah,
Thank you so much for your input and I find it so wonderful that you’ve been able to say “no” more easily because it also affects your boys. That’s such great awareness.
Isn’t it interesting how we don’t mind shooting ourselves in the foot with too many “yeses” , yet we don’t want that for those we love? I can totally identify with that, and I’m so glad you brought up this point. I might add that to my toolbox…. when I want to say “yes” too easily, I’ll treat myself as my best friend and think “Would I want my best friend to have this “yes” on their shoulders?”
Great idea – thanks to you!
Thanks again for your input, go well!
Warmly,
Liesel
This was so me years ago. Once I learned to say no it was so darn freeing. The people who are important to you will always love you….even is you say no!
Hi Susie,
Wow – that’s really GREAT to hear! You’re right, it is incredibly freeing, and those who care will always want the best for you, whether it’s a “yes” or “no”.
I love that you discovered that – thanks for sharing! It gives those who battle, real hope – that change is possible!
Warmly,
Liesel
Thanks so much for this post! I’m an Enneagram 6, so it can be a struggle to remember that what I FEEL afraid may happen is not necessarily an accurate picture of risk and probable outcomes. Fear gets so big sometimes! I appreciate EFT also…it can be very valuable for survivors of abuse because we tend to disconnect from our bodies when a flashback or scary situation presents itself.
I have a quote that I put on my fridge…can’t remember where I found it… that says:
“Saying No is always saying Yes to something else”. So I try to say “Yes” to myself FIRST when considering a request. Just because I *could* do something doesn’t mean I should (boundaries again, just as you mention). Chasing a toddler all day is exhausting. I need to say Yes to time alone, sleep, time to breathe…and if others are disappointed, guess what? They are grown-ups!! 🙂 Thank you for this reminder!
Hello Liz,
What great points you make, thank you so much for the wonderful comments!
It’s absolutely true… the moment we say “yes” to something/someone, we automatically say “no” to something/someone else. And all too often, that is ourselves and our needs.
I agree that EFT is the most magical tool for those of us who “freeze” up or dissociate due to childhood trauma. This kind of trauma is also often the reason why we find it hard to say no… there may be some codependent behaviours we learnt as children. We’re all doing the very best we can, so EFT makes all those uncomfortable emotions so much more managable.
I love what you say… guess what – they’re grown ups!! They CAN deal with disappointment, just like we can. Brilliant observation – I love it and will spread this saying too!
Warmly,
Liesel
My mom is also a 6 so I understand the fear thing, she worries about everything.
I like what you said “Saying No is always saying Yes to something else”. Time to ourselves is important, I agree. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
Hi everyone and Heather!
A bit thank you to Heather for hosting me as part of the virtual book tour! And thank you to everyone for the comments and feedback. I will reply to each if relevant.
Feel free to ask other questions or enter into discussion – like Heather pointed out so perfectly, this has been a very interesting journey for me, to learn to say “No”. And it’s a journey, I might add, that has ups and downs… and it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s really wonderful though, to see and feel progress in my own life.
Thank you again Heather, for hosting me on your beautiful blog!
Warmly,
Liesel
I am also the type of pleasers. It is very hard to say No. I have been betrayed by some business colleagues because of this. It is a very interesting book. Is there any pdf version?
There is a Kindle version on Amazon.