Grief is a strange emotion. It enters unexpectedly and it comes mixed up with other emotions. It doesn’t begin and end in one place but is something to be endured, to become a part of and grow through. It’s a horrible thing but it’s also a necessary thing.
When I was going back and forth between home, work and hospital, I was just in survival mode. I didn’t really have time to feel. And to be honest, when it was all over it was some kind of relief. Relief that Brett did not have to live in that body any more. Relief that his pain was over. Relief that I did not have to make those trips.
But now, after the funeral, I’m missing the man he was before the stroke.
The one who would walk in my door at around five o’clock and chat to me about his day as I cooked dinner in the kitchen.
The one who filled my bed and was my partner.
The one who took over when I was losing my mind about getting Nicky into the bath.
The one who made us laugh.
The one who said “Come, let’s watch something” when I had put Nicky to bed. (I’m still trying to do that…)
The one who took Nicky around the toy shop looking at all the toys.
The one who played with Nicky.
The list goes on….
I’ve been trying to work my way out of the hole of grief and I’m finding taking care of myself is something that is really helping. Not just the shrink but the doctor has really been a godsend.
Because I am determined to look after my health. As my blood pressure has been going up, I’ve been working with him to try and figure out the best medication. Additional meds for the blood pressure but also anxiety pills too. It’s one of the ways I’m acknowledging here that this situation is so bad, and I need to do something. If I need to take happy pills to look after my body I will do it.
Because it’s too late to do that for Brett.
My mom left on Friday. I’m feeling that space keenly. This week I took out my recipe books and started cooking what I wanted to eat. I have so many diabetes books, and I love the recipes.
Grief Therapy – Karen Katafiasz & RW Alley
But there’s a lot anger as well as I look all of them.
Why did I bother to cook all this stuff if he was still going to have a stroke?
Why did I bother with all those lunches of different fruits, protein and starch if it never made a difference?
Should I have forced him to test his blood and take his insulin? How does one get your husband to take his health seriously? To do what needs to be done? So that you’re not left with a fridge full of unused insulin and a basket full of testing strips still sitting there? To tell them how important it is to look after your body so that you can be there to watch your child grow up?
I chose to accept him for who he was. I chose to let him choose to manage his health. I let him eat what he wanted at Spur. I let him eat whatever he told me to buy. I was a partner in his undoing, and it’s hard to forgive myself for that.
Grief Therapy – Karen Katafiasz & RW Alley
I can’t listen to health messages any more without keenly feeling how complicated it all is. How hard marriage actually is. How naive I was on my wedding day when I promised “in sickness and in health”.
I’m trying to move forward, but I’m grieving my partner. My friend. The one who was going to do life with me. I’m stuck, unable to make decisions. Still putting his wallet back in his suitcase next to his bed, even though he’s not coming back.
Grief Therapy – Karen Katafiasz & RW Alley
There are things I have no attachment to and am finding easy to get rid of. The exercise machines were never used, or only used once or twice. They are out of the way. But his clothes have sentimental value. The maid is taking them bit by bit. His camera seems laden with his spirit. Because it’s his. And he loved it.
I’ll lie in the bed in his T-shirts and remember how happy he made me. I’ll remember all those good times and cherish them. And I’ll try not to remember the bad times. And the bad decisions. Because I am so overwhelming grateful for having him in my life and the precious gift of Nicky.
This week it has been so hot and I noticed how Nicky is running and jumping a fair distance away before splashing in the pool. And I remembered how I wanted the fence to go around the pool and Brett had insisted that Nicky must have space to run and jump by the deep end.
Isn’t that amazing? Brett’s not here to see it but Nicky is having so much joy out of something he created.
And I’m eternally grateful for that.
Grief Therapy – Karen Katafiasz & RW Alley
I feel like I’m walking around with a hole in my heart but that’s ok. Brett was such an important part of my life it’s natural to feel this space. All I can do is honour it.
Grief Therapy – Karen Katafiasz & RW Alley
The little pictures in this post come from a book called “Grief Therapy” that was posted to me by a blogger, Trisha Cornelius. I am deeply grateful for that book, Trisha, because I recognise so much on these pages and it also is a good acknowledgement of what I’m going through. Trisha lost both her parents and I can’t even fathom how hard that must be for her. The book itself is written by Karen Katafiasz, who lost her husband too.
Reading this made me put myself in your shoes and I cried so deeply imagining that this had happened to me and I can only imagine what immense pain you’re feeling. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. My heart really breaks for you and Nicky. I think the loss of someone is a hurt that we never really stop feeling. We just (over time) get used to the thought of it. Unfortunately the guilt is a normal part of the grief, but in time you will start to feel better. Time really does heal everything. Always, always thinking of you and Nicky xxx
Grief… It simply demands to be felt.
Sending you much love.