On the 25th of June 2016 my father was hit by a drunk driver and he was never the same after that. Neither was my mother. He spent a good few months in hospital on ventilation and was discharged to a rehab facility on his birthday in September. He stayed there until just before Christmas.
I think it’s an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It was really touch and go at some points, especially at the beginning, and the horror of breathing through a ventilator, not being able to speak for a long time must have been simply awful. Being paralysed from the neck down and not being able to move must have been gut wrenching as well. All of a sudden your whole future has changed. But my father was a special kind of man. He accepted this new situation and worked with his therapists to do the best that he could in his position. I will always treasure that last Christmas. He really made an effort to sit at the table with us and it didn’t matter that he couldn’t really eat with us. He was there. I think what I miss most about him was that positive attitude – that no matter what life had thrown at him, he got on with it. He was an inspiration to me.
The person most deeply affected by the accident has been my mother. She faithfully visited him in hospital every day and made sure to get there at the times the doctors would be doing their rounds so that she could get their input on whatever was going on at the time. When she had him at home she always gave the upmost of her expertise to ensure that he had the best care. She also had nurses that assisted her. I can honestly say she left no stone unturned to make sure that she had the best advice and gave all she could. But there was only so much she could do. With that weakened body he finally died on 25 October 2017, sixteen months after the accident. Nicky and I were there and my sister (who had also been flying in and out from the states during this time) came as well. We will always cherish our memories of my very special father.
I had to re-live more hospital time when my late husband Brett also took his turn on a ventilator until he passed away too. Although still a traumatic experience, the cause was natural. It was a different situation. It’s had a huge effect on me but I feel, two years later, that I am making steps in the right direction to rebuild my life. This post is not about him, however. But I know what it feels like to lose your spouse albeit in another way.
When someone’s life is unnaturally taken from them, you feel like the perpetrator should pay for it. As my mom said in her victim statement: he did not “pass away,” he was killed.
In the movies if someone is killed they get jail time. But in South Africa, where drinking is acceptable, you don’t have such a stiff sentence. Also the law moves very slowly here. It is hampered by corruption and inefficiency.
I remember being very angry to hear that the case was over a few years ago and the man only had to pay R2500. No mention was made of my father or any harm done. The only explanation for this, to me, seems to be corruption. And inefficiency.
When my father died the case was opened again and the whole process started again. I have lost count of how many times my mom has gone to court for it to be postponed.
But finally things seemed to be happening. The case finally was heard on Tuesday 6 April 2021. The man who drove into my father was sentenced as follows: for culpable homicide: 3 years correctional supervision – i.e. he can be free in the day between 6am and 6pm and do 4 hours of community service on a Saturday. For drunk driving he was fined R10k.
It’s bitter feeling to see how he won’t really suffer in the same way that my dad did and he gets to live.
But does bitterness really help? The man showed remorse and admitted his guilt.
Nothing will bring my father back. Nothing will bring my husband back. Death is final and there’s nothing we can do about it other than try and build another future without the people we loved.
What makes me angry though is that the cycle continues. On the roads, people continue to drink and drive. They don’t care. Just this week another life is lost. And probably more.
All I can do is appeal to people: don’t drink and drive. Don’t get in the car if you have had alcohol. This is 2021. There is Uber. You have no excuses. Just don’t do it.
So sorry for ur loss, drinking and driving is such a selfish thing
This is so sad. It is so unnecessary to have dragged out the loss of your family in this way. I know it is not the outcome you hoped for, however, I hope it will be a way to close this sadness.
Thanks MamaCat, it is.
Hi Heather, I still
remember your posts about your dad. It does not seem fair about the sentence, especially since he was such an active and vibrant person.
I do believe the drunk driver will be forever changed (I hope so).
I am glad to hear that you are rebuilding your life! Best best wishes!
Thanks so much Karen xx thanks for the support xx