Yesterday was the 23 August. It marked two months since Brett has been in ICU. Two months where everything has been turned upside down in my life.
One of the things lately that has been bothering me the most is that I am feeling the time passing.
The lady that had a bad birth and was in ICU, separated from her baby and two other kids has been discharged. She is weak, she has a catheter, but she is home. I miss that family.
I watch the beds around Brett. How they fill up with different people that come and go. And then become empty again.
This week I watched a new person enter and all the staff help this person in a crisis situation. CPR, doctor being called and many people around. Life and death in front of us.
There is movement all around, but we are standing still.
People keep asking me how is he doing? But I have no news: it is just the same. If anything, the stroke is worse, it is more established, there is no going back.
I was thinking tonight, driving to hospital, maybe there is a reason why we just have to be still. Maybe that’s where God is talking to us, putting the brakes on our lives just so we can get to know Him better.
This week has been another one of those up and down times (how could it be any different?). On Monday I noticed a big scanning machine being rolled in to look at Brett so then on Tues I decided to go pop in on the doctor to ask what was up. I visited Brett first, and played him a recording from Nicky.
I came back to tell him all about it (he has an enlarged liver, probably a reaction to all the meds, but at least the meds are being reduced) and as I started telling him this I noticed that there were tears down his cheeks.
I’m not sure what it was. Hearing Nicky’s voice recording? Knowing we were in a doctor’s meeting he could not attend, and even if he could, have no voice to express his feelings?
My heart is breaking for him, and all I can do is wipe his tears.
Brett is locked in. He cannot talk. Just imagine living two months without even being able to say the simplest thing, like this hurts, or I’m cold, or this happened today. I can tell him anything, but he can’t respond. He used to be an operations manager, and now he has no control at all.
I’ve been trying to unlock that padlock though. I don’t know if it’s just to make myself feel better, or what it all means, but I try. I try and decipher his facial expressions. He acknowledges me with an eye movement. He always says goodbye in some way, even if it’s just an eye movement. But other times his shoulders move too.
I even decided to try the alphabet, to see if he could move his eye to certain letters. It has been very inconsistent though. There’s a part of me that just wants to keep trying though. To see if this could improve.
The first time I tried it I went home afterwards and looked at some of the letters. It did not make sense but when I looked at them in reverse they spelt out “Nick”. I know he misses Nicky a lot. (We get him in on Sundays sometimes to see Dad)
I’ve tried it again not very successfully. Am I grasping at straws here? I don’t know. But I have to keep trying.
He also moves his head, tonight I noticed that and figured out that he has drooled on that side and wants it wiped up.
This afternoon for the first time I felt some peace about the situation and acceptance of it. Not sure if that will last but to me it is evidence of the prayers that are surrounding us at this time. I know that there are people praying for us for strength to navigate this path ahead.
I’m seeing the hospital psychologist and Nicky is going for play therapy. I’ve drawn up a will and am in the process of getting life insurance. Our first disability payment will come through at the end of the month. We are getting into this new normal of going to the hospital all the time. But it still sucks.
Even Nicky prays “Make mom more brave.”
I don’t feel very brave, Nicky, but I know that there is something else carrying us through this. Through this horrible event God is helping me to accept the stillness and wait on Him.
Thanks to a dear friend for sending me this video, sometimes that’s just what it’s all about – in the waiting.
Big hugs Heather!!! The Lord answers prayers. Thinking of you always and praying for breakthrough
Thank you Funso xx
Thank you for writing this and sharing how you are with us. You’re constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Anne xx
I think of you often and yesterday I too was thinking what is God trying to teach us in different situations. I wish you peace. xxx
Thanks Wenchy xx
Hugs and love. Thinking of you!
Dear Heather – you are all constantly in my thoughts an prayers. You are strong and you are capable – God will provide the strength you need. His love and promises are real and true. I keep thinking about what you and your family have been through in the last few years and my heart just wants to shout out that you all need a break. Lots and lots of love and I find so much encouragement from you and this wonderful post you wrote.
Heather,
My daughter and I pray for you, your husband, son and family each night. Even from afar I see your strength, I see the Grace, which you’ve allowed to enter your heart to guide and support you. May you continue to feel it stronger each day.