Today marks one year since my husband had the fatal stroke that, three and a half months later, ended his life. It’s a good time to do a bit of reflection on the year that was.
In some ways things stay the same. I’m in the same job, living in the same house and Nicky is going to the same school. I think these basic things have really helped us keep some stability and normality in a difficult situation. Routine is crucial for children and I have found it helpful for me too.
There have been some slight changes though.
One of the main things I’ve worked on this year is getting rid of stuff. I’ve sold a lot of stuff on Gumtree. The first things to go were all the camera equipment. And various other things.
Brett had a LOT of books. I am not kidding you when I say there were probably around 2000 books in the house. So I had a book sale. I got rid of a whole lot then and then had a dealer and a private buyer come round (all referred from the dear Charity shop down the road, where from Brett had purchased a lot of books over the years). I then did a few loads of books I had no interest in to the Charity shop and I’ll probably keep doing that still for a while, but I’m taking a bit of a break…
The other major change I’ve recently made is to start doing a ESL job where I teach adults English over the computer in the afternoon and the evening. In order to do all of this I’ve also had to move the maid in. But that has been a hugely beneficial move on all of us. It’s just good to have another person around and Nicky definitely needs someone to look after him when I’m doing the classes.
So I guess I’m slowly acknowledging the change in our lives and finding ways to cope.
Emotionally it’s been a really hard time for me. It’s been a really up and down year. But it’s a path I’ve needed to travel.
Today I’m celebrating a man who loved me. Who was there for me. Who gave me a special life. Who gave me an incredible little boy.
He is gone. I know that. I can’t get him back.
But I can treasure the time we had. I’m so grateful for that.
It’s weird how he will always be a part of me. Little silly things. Like remembering this time last year how the dog’s jersey was too small- he told me to get a bigger one. He had the stroke. I still got the bigger one. And I was noticing today how it really is too big. But Brett isn’t here to see that, or comment on that.
I thought about wearing black today but while I acknowledged that with black pants I wore a jersey my mother in law knitted for me and the heart earings my sister in law gave me. It’s also my way of giving thanks for not only Brett, but his family too, who have been there for me, even though they are far way, they are just a sms or a call away. My mom has also been invaluable to me. Thank God for family. And special friends too.
Then I put on an animal print scarf. Just to show I’ve still got those survival instincts.
Brett, I will always miss you. You were there for me in a way that nobody was there for me before. And I took that for granted. I’m sorry. But I’m so grateful for the time we had. And I will take that good experience that I had with you forward into my life, because I know what love is.
I really lost you on 23 June last year. But I found a strength I never knew I had.
Hugs my friend. May his soul Rest In Peace and may the Lord continue to comfort you. It’s amazing how life changes with the loss of a loved one, but one way or another we learn to live with the new normal bearing in mind that life as we knew it would never be the same 🙁
You have presented a strong front with faith and hope, determined to keep things as awesome as possible for Nicky while a horrible reality was happening in the midst of ordinary life. I couldn’t even do that when I got divorced. I was a wreck. You have been someone to look up to. 💜
You are so very strong Heather. I hope and pray that one day you will be able to truly truly see the magnificence of your courage, your heart and your love. Many hugs and an abundance of blessings to you.