A trip to PE - One Step At a Time

They say that visiting the place where you grew up is an excellent way to see how you have changed.

Port Elizabeth is the place of my childhood and my family home. I have nothing but good memories of my childhood. But it is that: childhood. Children don’t have to make adult decisions. They are not as hurt by the bigger issues of life. They aren’t expected to deal with the harsh realities adulthood brings with it.

Sometimes in life it’s good to be a child again and be looked after. My mother has done that for me for different patches of my life. She came for 6 weeks of my pregnancy/ childbirth and was a welcome presence for five months during Brett’s time in hospital and death. She continues to look after me, even from a distance.

I think this is the first time I’ve gone to PE with a very conflicted heart. It’s always been a very welcome holiday. But now the weight of those adult decisions are pressing hard on me. With Brett gone, why am I here in Joburg? With my job coming to an end, what is keeping me here?

Nobody can ultimately answer those questions but me. Nobody can live this life but me.

The truth is a move like that requires conviction and peace, and I don’t have either. I have a lot of confusion.

I have been praying a lot. I have been crying a lot. But nothing is clear. Everything is murky.

In the end the decision I have made is to work on my career. To persist on making myself financially independent. I have taken on a second ESL job and will be teaching online. The good thing about working online is that you are not limited to a location. If I wanted to move to PE later I could still have that option. When I have the strength to make that decision.

Despite all these internal emotional struggles, we did have a good time in PE this week.

I saw a good friend, and we spent time with my mom, Brett’s sister, Nicky’s cousins and Brett’s parents made the trip up from EL to see us.

We are all continuing with our lives, putting up a brave front, but the mask, every now and then, it slips.

I see it in my mother in law’s frailty and the look in my father in law’s eyes.

If I could give Nicky happy memories this week I’ve achieved something. He deserves that. He’s a child. He deserves to enjoy life and not have to deal with all this stuff.

But for me, the issues remain. And I will keep praying for guidance. That’s all I know what to do.